


Suffering Together

by Vyker



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Abandonment, Agression, Anger, Angst, Anxiety, Blood and Injury, Body Horror, Captivity, Child Abuse, Cutting, Fear, Government Experimentation, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Injury, Kidnapping, M/M, Needles, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicide, Torture, Unethical Experimentation, Violence, changed history au, these kids get extra fucked up, these poor kids get fucked up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-27 03:01:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30116169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vyker/pseuds/Vyker
Summary: What if, when Benrey went to play with Gordon when he was young, Black Mesa found them and took Gordon, raising him in the facility with Benrey.OrSix year old Gordon Freeman is kidnapped and used as a bargaining chip to make a super powerful being compliant.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 9
Kudos: 75





	1. I want to go home

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU of my other HLVRAI (frenrey) fan fic 'Postpoing Panic Attacks'
> 
> It diverges from that fic's history during the flashback scene in chapter 6, when Benrey goes to meet Gordon a second time to play together. It creates a completely different timeline, which might go anywhere.
> 
> I can only write sad, horrible things today it seems. This is just a whole lot of pain, turn back now.

Gordon led his strange friend Ben into the trees, showing him through a wonderland in the small woods. They found mushrooms and bugs and played in the mud next to a stream. Ben seemed so amazed by everything that was around him, as if he had never played in the woods before. Maybe there was no woods near where he lived.

Both the young boys heard the helicopter fly by close overhead, some of the down draft from it whipping through the trees and down to them. After looking at each other with surprise for a moment, they tried to go back to their exploration. But Ben suddenly stopped, as if he was listening to something, and frowned.

“gordon… you need to run back home,” Ben stated without emotion. Gordon looked at him quizzically. “please and thank you… you have to go now.” Ben rose to his feet and faced the direction he could hear something coming from.

Gordon reached out and grabbed hold on Ben’s wrist. “Why Ben, what’s going on?” he asked in a small, slightly frightened voice.

Suddenly a group of adult men burst into the clearing and surrounded Ben and Gordon on all sides. They were led by a man wearing a white coat and glasses, who looked at them sternly.

“That must be the kid, quick, grab him,” the man in the white coat ordered one of the other men. Gordon flinched back as the man quickly strode towards him, then he was being picked up, his hand wrenched out of Ben’s. The man held Gordon against his chest, moving off to the side as the man in the white coat turned his attention back to Ben, now alone in the middle of the clearing.

“Benrey, you had us all worried sick,” the white coat man said while shaking his head, sounding upset. “It seems that your education has been ineffective in controlling you, and we may have to result to more… drastic measures.”

“’s ok, i’ll come back, just let my friend go,” Ben said, glancing sympathetically over at Gordon, who was looking between Ben and the white coat man with fear.

“Sorry Benrey, but that’s not going to happen. Can’t have you escaping again to go after him,” the man said plainly. “We’ll just have to take him with us. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Your friend coming for a permanent sleepover? No reason to leave then, right?”

Fear gripped Gordon as he managed to grasp the gist of what the white coat man was saying. He started wiggling in the grip of the man who held him, but to no avail. Ben, or, Benrey as the man had called him, shrugged, and looked at the ground.

“It doesn’t matter, we’ll bring him with us anyway, leaving you no reason to stay here. So, will you be coming back without a fuss, Benrey?” the man asked smugly. Benrey hesitated, then nodded reluctantly and started walking towards the man. The man held out his hand and Benrey took it, and then man nodded to the rest of them and turned to walk back into the woods from the direction they came in. The man holding Gordon followed them.

“No, wait, let me go!” Gordon protested, but his plea fell on deaf ears. He slammed his little fists against the man’s firm vest, but the man didn’t even seem to notice, just kept a tight hold on Gordon.

The adults made their way through the woods and into a field where the helicopter was parked on the grass. All seven of them piled in with the two kids and they quickly took to the air.

Gordon felt unbelievably scared as the helicopter flew over the land. He was seated on one of the men’s lap’s in the middle seat on one side of the helicopter, the man holding onto him securely. Gordon kept trying to tell the man that they needed to take him back home to his parents, but he was constantly ignored.

Gordon felt frustrated, and tears began to creep into his eyes. He looked over at Benrey, who was seated between two men on the opposite side and was staring at the floor despondently. Gordon asked Benrey to ask the men to take him back, but Benrey just looked up at him and shrugged sadly.

It was a long ride through the sky, filled with a lot of Gordon crying about wanting to go home until he wore himself out and just sat sniffling. They finally touched down hours later, on top of a grey building in the middle of the desert. The sun was setting as the men led Benrey and carried Gordon inside.

Once inside they were separated, one group with the white coat man taking Benrey off in one direction, while the other took Gordon another way. Gordon’s fear was only building the further they went into the strange facility. They took Gordon to a room where they stripped off all his clothes and drenched him in water, scrubbing down his whole body as he blinked through the tears. They dressed him in plain loose cotton clothing like Benrey had been wearing, only letting him keep his glasses, before abandoning him in a room with not much more than a bed, toilet, and sink.

Gordon sat on the hard, cold floor and sobbed. He was alone and scared and missed his parents and wanted to go home. He didn’t even care if his mother and father were angry at him, as long as he could get out of this scary place and go back to them. But no one was listening to him, no one cared, not even Benrey it seemed.

After what seemed like quite a long while to Gordon, the door to the room opened again and Benrey stepped in, the door closing behind him. Benrey looked sheepishly down at Gordon, but then seeing his red, tear stained face, Benrey’s mouth dropped into a frown. He stepped towards Gordon and sat down in front of him, studying Gordon’s face.

“Ben… I want to go home. I have to go back to my mom and dad, or I’ll get into trouble,” Gordon pleaded plaintively.

“i… i’m sorry, i don’t think they are going to let you go home,” Benrey said, looking uncomfortable.

“But- but why?” Gordon asked with distress, trying to dry his eyes with his fists.

“because… i was bad, and escaped, and now they are going to keep you here to make sure i don’t be bad again,” Benrey explained, but Gordon didn’t really understand what he meant.

“Just say you won’t be bad then Ben,” Gordon suggested pleadingly, reaching out to grab Benrey’s hands in his own and looking into the other child eyes.

“i did, but they won’t believe me,” Benrey stated sadly, averting his gaze from Gordon’s stare.

Gordon chewed on his wobbling bottom lip, before looking down at the floor in defeat. He wanted to cry again but he felt all worn out from all the crying he had already done today.

“but… maybe i can get you out…” Benrey said cautiously. This caused Gordon to lift his head to look back up at the other again, hopeful.

“Please Benrey, you have to help me get home,” Gordon begged, squeezing Benrey’s hands in his own.

Benrey gave a half smile, before letting go of Gordon’s hands and hopping to his feet. Then he walked over to the wall of the room, and after a moment of hesitation, stuck his hand into the solid wall. Gordon’s eyes went wide with amazement.

“Ben, you can do magic?” Gordon asked in wonder. This comment seemed to catch Benrey off guard for a moment, knitting his brow as he withdrew his hand from the wall.

“uh, yeah, sure can,” he said awkwardly, trying to smile reassuringly at Gordon. “i uh, can’t take you through the wall with me, but i might be able to open the door from the other side.”

Gordon got to his feet, stretching out his legs as he looked hopefully at Benrey.

“but uh, we should wait until a little later, when there are less people around, so we’re less likely to get caught,” Benrey added, walking back over to Gordon. Gordon nodded, wiping the last of the dampness from his eyes.

Benrey led Gordon over to the bed and they sat down on it together to wait. Benrey started singing, bubbles of light spilling out of his mouth much to Gordon's amazement.

-

Gordon was starting to feel more and more anxious. Benrey had been disappeared through the wall for quite a while now, and the door hadn’t shown any signs of opening, and Gordon couldn’t hear anything happening outside. He was nervously bouncing up and down on his feet near the door when it finally swung open. Benrey gave Gordon a sheepish smile from where he stood in the hallway.

“What took you so lo-” Gordon began to ask as he stepped into the hallway but broke off when he saw the bodies of two guards lying on the floor on either side of the door.

“sorry, i was trying to not be noticed,” Benrey said, and then stepped forward and took Gordon’s hand. “come on, we’ll need to be quick.” With that Benrey started tugged Gordon down the corridor.

They carefully made their way through the maze of hallways, checking each corner and waiting until the coast was clear to move. Benrey didn’t exactly seem confident with where he was going, but they kept moving, nonetheless.

Gordon was watching Benrey try and get a door open when he was suddenly grabbed from behind and lifted into the air. Gordon let out a shocked squeak as he flailed his arms and legs around. Benrey had whipped his head around to look, only for a large hand to be placed on his shoulder.

“Where do you think you are taking your little friend Benrey?” the scientist asked threateningly, as the guard got Gordon’s thrashing limbs under control and held him tightly.

“he wants to go home,” Benrey said weakly, looking away.

“Now now Benrey, you know we can’t let that happen,” the scientist said in a bemused tone. He seemed to think for a moment, before speaking again. “Let’s go have a little sit down somewhere and talk about this, hrm?”

The scientist took Benrey’s hand and started leading him down the corridor, the guard carrying Gordon following behind.

They were led quite a long way and into a small room with a table and some chairs. The scientist sat Benrey down on one side of the table and then took a seat at the other. The guard held Gordon with one arm as he pulled a chair a short distance from the table and took a seat, sitting Gordon down on his lap and keeping his struggling under control.

“Now Benrey, I didn’t want to have to do this, but you leave me without much choice at the moment,” the scientist mused. Benrey just watched him warily. “I’m going to have to tell you something sad, and I don’t like upsetting you but…”

The scientist cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses on his nose. “You know how we told you when you are fighting the bad guys it’s okay to kill people, because they respawn?” Benrey nodded his head slightly. “Well, we didn’t tell you that… only works for fighting people, like the bad guys and the heroes. It doesn’t work for normal humans.”

Benrey looked at the scientist with confusion and glanced over at Gordon. “but then, if… ‘normal humans’ die, what happens to them?” he asked in a small voice.

“They are gone forever Benrey. They never come back,” Benrey’s eyes widened at this statement.

“You already know that you are special, that humans can’t do most of the things you can Benrey. We can’t go through walls, teleport, fly, change shape, or become invincible,” the scientist continued in a matter of fact manner. “But non-fighting humans also can’t respawn, or turn off pain, or heal injuries quickly.”

“they have to feel pain all the time?” Benrey asked in horror.

The scientist shook his head and chuckled. “Only when they are hurt Benrey. Now, I don’t know if you have figured out why I am telling you this, so I guess I better spell it out. Your friend, young Mr Freeman here,” the scientist nodded towards Gordon, “is a normal human. He’s not a fighter. He feels pain and can’t respawn. Do you understand where I am going with this Benrey?”

Benrey blinked rapidly and shook his head with confusion.

The scientist sighed. “Benrey, if you won’t listen to us, if you won’t follow instructions and obey orders, then we will hurt Gordon. Do you understand that?”

Fear and alarm seemed to grip both Gordon and Benrey at the same time. Gordon felt his heart plummet into his stomach. They were going to hurt him? Waves of terror washed over him.

“no, no you can’t do that,” benrey started stuttering out in disbelief, “that’s not fair.”

“It will be fine Benrey, as long as you do what we say, no harm will come to little Mr Freeman,” the scientist tried to pacify.

Benrey turned his head to look over at Gordon, probably taking in the other child’s wide-eyed look of fear. Then Benrey scrunched up his face for a moment before sighing.

“ok, i understand, i’ll do what you say,” Benrey relented, eyes dropping to look at the table.

“Very good Benrey, that will make this easier for all of us,” the scientist said with a malicious grin. “Come on, let’s take you two back to your room now, where you will be nice and safe. Remember to stay in there.”

-

Gordon sat on the bed while Benrey was pacing around the room, looking really worried. Gordon was now more scared than ever here, but there wasn’t anything he could do about the situation.

“i… i have an idea,” Benrey suddenly said, spinning around to face Gordon. Gordon flinched, then looked at the other quizzically.

“one more plan to get you out,” Benrey mumbled, then looked thoughtfully at the ground.

“But Ben… if it doesn’t work… I’m scared,” Gordon said softly, trying to stop himself from shaking.

“i know i know, but it’s sure to work. i just have to…” Benrey broke off, then looked up at Gordon with a hint of sorrow. “i have to let you know to truth about me.”

Suddenly Benrey’s face was changing. His skin shifted tones from pale to ashen grey. His eyes filled with bright yellow and black slitted pupils.

Gordon leaned backwards on the bed slightly away from the sight, but his eyes were filled with wonder. “More magic?” he breathed in disbelief.

Benrey grimaced and shook his head. “it’s not really magic, this is like, my real form,” he explained hesitantly. Gordon noticed Benrey’s sharp dagger teeth as he spoke.

“So, you can change how you look?” Gordon asked with amazement, and Benrey nodded.

“i can use this power to get you out, if you can trust me,” Benrey said, approaching Gordon, grabbing the other child’s hands in his clawed ones.

Gordon hesitated, stiffening up as the creature touched him, but then nodded. This might be his one last chance to get home, even if the risk was significant.

“cool… but we should wait a while, they are probably going to be very careful at the moment,” Benrey said, letting go of Gordon’s hands.

-

Over the next few days Gordon got a taste of what Benrey’s daily routine was like. They were mostly left to take care of themselves, the adult scientists barely interacting with them outside of bringing them food, taking them to be washed, and taking Benrey for testing. Gordon didn’t get to see any of the testing, he was left in the room alone. Benrey would often come back looking very upset and would grab Gordon into a hug for comfort.

Gordon had asked Benrey more about his life here, and from what he gathered from the other it was a sad and lonely existence. Gordon felt so sorry for the other, even if he was some sort of experiment monster thing like out of a movie, he still seemed to have feelings just like Gordon did. For all his powers, he still seemed like a small, scared child.

One day they took Gordon away to another room and made him lie down on a table. They got him to breath in a mask, which made him feel sleepy. When he woke up, he felt a pain in a small area on the back of his neck. They didn’t tell him what they had done.

After a few days Benrey said they needed to undertake their plan, and he seemed to have a sudden sense of urgency. Gordon didn’t understand why, but all he could do at this point was trust Benrey knew what he was doing and hope for the best.

Benrey went out through the wall again and opened the door quicker this time. Again, guards lay on either side of the door in the hallway, but this time there was pools of red liquid under their bodies and red marks on their necks. Then Benrey started charging shape, and got much taller, and wider too. When he finished, he looked like a burley, well set guard.

Then his body started to cave inwards, until there was a large hole in his torso. He picked up a terrified Gordon and put him in the hole, which closed around him. Gordon was now seated inside Benrey’s body, much to his absolute horror. Benrey hadn’t exactly told Gordon about his plan or prepared him for this in anyway. Gordon started pushing against the flesh wall around him in worry.

“calm down little dude, it’s ok, you’re safe in there,” Benrey said in a muffled voice. “just stay calm and i will get you out of here.”

Gordon felt Benrey’s body begin to move. He waited in the complete darkness for a long time, trying to swallow his fear. He heard lots of muffled sounds coming from outside Benrey’s body but couldn’t tell what was going on.

Eventually Benrey opened his body, some light finally shining into the small space. The creature reached in and pulled Gordon out, setting him down on the dirt. Gordon blinked as he looked around himself, it was still dark because it was night-time. They were outside under the stars, with dirt hills rolling away in every direction around them.

Gordon turned back to Benrey, who had shifted back into his ‘true form’. Benrey smiled reassuringly at Gordon, as much as a smile can be reassuring with shark teeth, before stepping towards him. He grabbed Gordon into what seemed to be a hug, but then Gordon felt his feet suddenly leave the ground.

Gordon squeaked indignantly as the two of them rose into the air, Gordon could see the ground moving away from them over Benrey’s shoulder. He held on tightly to the other, afraid of falling.

“uh… i may have a little problem here,” Benrey said as they hung suspended in mid-air.

“What?” Gordon managed to choke out, still overcome with terror.

“i uh… don’t know where your house is,” Benrey admitted ruefully.

“huh? but you went there before?” Gordon asked in confusion, now squeezing his eyes closed so he couldn’t look down.

“yeah but you see,” suddenly Gordon felt himself being manhandled by more than two arms and yelped as he was twisted around and then held horizontally against Benrey’s chest by multiple limbs. “you have this uh… like this light here,” Benrey used yet another arm to point at Gordon’s chest. “i followed that to find you, but now you are here and not there and i… don’t remember which direction it was.”

Gordon tried to stop himself from shaking like a leaf in Benrey’s arms. At least he was being held now facing the sky so he couldn’t look down, and the additional limbs, while strange as hell, made him feel like he was being held more securely and would be less likely to be dropped

“Well… my mom always told me if I got lost somewhere, I should find a policeman,” Gordon suggested as he tried to calm himself.

“what’s that?” Benrey asked in confusion.

“Uh… they are like, supposed to help people, like lost kids,” Gordon struggled to explain.

“where would we find one?” Benrey prompted.

“Um, I guess in a place where there are other people,” Gordon suggested uncertainly. “We should maybe try and find a town,” he swallowed hard as he forced himself to peer down and around himself, and immediately wished he hadn’t. “Just find somewhere with lots of buildings,” he said, squeezing his eyes shut.

Benrey flew them through the air and over the desert, searching the earth below for any signs of civilization. He spotted a small cluster of buildings and headed towards it. Benrey landed on the ground outside of town, and when Gordon opened his eyes, he could see that Benrey had shapeshifted into his human form. Benrey set Gordon down on the ground gently, now having reverted back to having only two arms. The boys glanced at each other before they set off across the empty dirt towards the town.

As they walked down the street, they quickly realised that none of the houses had any lights in them, and they all looked dilapidated and run down. It quickly became apparent to them that the town was abandoned. Gordon sighed, and went to sit on a bench on the side of the road. Benrey joined him.

“Guess we will have to keep looking,” Gordon said dejectedly. He wasn’t looking forward to flying again, it made him feel ill.

Benrey was reaching out towards Gordon to comfort him when suddenly the rumble of vehicles driving through the dirt filled the air. Suddenly the street was illuminated by headlights, blinding the boys for a moment before they ducked their heads trying to shield their eyes. They jumped to their feet as the military vehicles screeched to a halt in front of them and soldiers jumped off the back and from the doors, pointing their weapons at the boys.

The boys stood still in terror as the soldiers surrounded them, and the man in the lab coat exited a vehicle and approached them.

“Don’t even think about grabbing him and running Benrey, these men will riddle you both full of bullets as soon as you make a move,” the man said threateningly. “You’ll respawn but he, well, wont.”

Gordon’s heart sank, and he could hear Benrey growling at the man.

“Do you not remember our understanding Benrey? You disobey, or try to escape, and we will hurt Gordon,” the man said, and Gordon eye’s opened wide with terror, looking between the man’s face and Benrey’s.

“don’t touch him,” Benrey snarled, turning back to his true form, and baring his sharp teeth.

“I’ll make you an offer, Benrey,” the man said placidly, with a malicious smile. “If you both come back without a fuss, we won’t hurt Gordon. This time.”

Benrey scowled at the man but stopped growling. “fine,” he said, shoulders slumping. Benrey walked up to the man and held out his hand to be taken, looking down at the ground.

The man nodded at one of the soldiers, who stepped over and grabbed Gordon up. Gordon didn’t really struggle much this time. What was the point? It never achieved him anything, so he just sat sadly in the soldier’s arms and he was carried to a car.

-

Gordon was cleaned up on arrival back at the facility and put in a different room by himself for a while, and he had no idea what they were doing with Benrey. At least they weren’t going to hurt Gordon this time, but escape seemed more and more unlikely at this point.

When they took Gordon back to Benrey’s room, it looked different. There were weird wires lining the walls. Benrey was seated on the bed, a metal collar around his neck which was chained to the wall behind him. Gordon’s eyes went wide with despair as he took all this in.

Benrey turned to look at Gordon, his face lighting up as he saw him, but obviously not able to come over and greet him. Gordon moved towards Benrey instead, standing in front of where he was seated on the bed.

“did they hurt you?” Benrey asked with worry, looking Gordon over with his yellow eyes. Gordon shook his head, and Benrey looked relieved. “i’m so glad. when they took you away for so long i though they were going to, even though they said they wouldn’t.”

“Did they hurt you?” Gordon asked in return, placing a hand on Benrey’s shoulders, and looking sadly into his eyes.

Benrey glanced away. “nah, they just put this on me to stop me using my powers to try and escape again,” Benrey said, pointing at the collar. Gordon frowned. He guessed any hope of escape was truly gone now. He was stuck here with Benrey, and maybe he would never see his family again. He wanted to cry, but he already felt so drained emotionally.

Benrey’s body stiffen as Gordon wrapped his small arms around him in a hug, but Gordon felt him relax after a moment and put his arms around Gordon as well. Benrey started singing out low soft notes, dark coloured bubbles of light rising up towards the ceiling. 


	2. No Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twenty years of Gordon's life pass by, living in captivity and being abused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably good idea to check the tags, I've added more.
> 
> Only pain awaits you. I'm sorry.

Gordon became used to the routine in captivity. At first, they had a tutor visit the room to teach Benrey and Gordon together. But after a while it became clear that Gordon was way ahead in terms of intellectual ability, while Benrey struggled with simple concepts.

“What is 7 plus 4?” the tutor asked patiently. The man was middle aged scientist with a receding hairline but thick hair on the sides of his head and thick eyebrows and moustache. His name was Dr Coomer. He was nice to the boys and always seemed to be in a chipper mood.

“11,” Gordon said quickly, rolling his eyes with boredom at how easy the question was.

“Hello Gordon! Of course you know it,” Dr Coomer praised cheerily in his strange way. “Benrey, what’s 7 + 4?” he now directed the question solely towards Benrey, who was staring down at a pencil he was twirling in his fingers as he lay on his stomach on the bed.

“whuh?” Benrey said, looking up with confusion.

“What is 7 + 4 Benrey?” Dr Coomer patiently asked again.

“i dunno, 10?” Benrey huffed, dropping his eyes back down to the pencil.

“Benrey, Gordon just answered the question. Were you not listening?” Dr Coomer asked in a kind tone.

Benrey just shrugged, rolling over on the bed so he was facing the ceiling, laying his head down and closing his eyes.

So, it was decided they would be educated separately to cater to their individual needs.

Most days Benrey would be taken away for testing, training, or teaching, while Gordon would be tutored by Dr Coomer for up to eight hours a day. He was apparently working through content much above his age level. He didn’t mind doing schoolwork, it beat the several hours a day he would sit with Benrey on the bed and do nothing before falling asleep. There were no toys, or games, or tv, and they couldn’t even play together properly with Benrey chained up to the wall all the time.

After a while Gordon started asking Dr Coomer for books to read outside of his lessons. Eventually he was allowed some, so he spent all their free time each day reading out loud to Benrey. They read so many books of all different sorts of genres, some Gordon was sure were not appropriate for kids. But anything was better than the crushing boredom, and Benrey seemed to enjoy listening to him read a lot.

“’But it’s all so unfair,’ said Hiccup. ‘Why do you get to eat everybody just because you’re bigger than everybody else?’ ‘It’s the way of the world,’ said the dragon.” Gordon read. He paused for a moment, glancing over at Benrey’s face. The other laid beside him, eyes closed and breathing steady.

“Aaaand then the dragon ate everybody. The end!” Gordon joked, trying to test if Benrey was actually asleep. Gordon watched the others expression out the side of his eye.

Benrey quietly snorted doubtfully. “no he didn’t,” he said in a thin voice, a smile playing across his lips while his eyes stayed closed.

“Oh, so you are still listening,” Gordon said with surprise. “Do you want to stop for tonight?”

“yeah, ok,” Benrey mumbled, huddling closer to Gordon. Gordon placed the book down and wiggled down under the covers next to Benrey.

-

Then, one day a few years later, when the boys were around 10 years old, a new scientist was introduced to them. His name was Tommy, and he was so different from most of the other scientists that they were used to. He had a very whimsical, childlike nature, yet the other scientists seemed to respect him a lot despite his oddities. He was very kind and gentle when talking to the boys. They liked him immediately.

Once they met Tommy things began to change for the boys. Tommy brought them different items to fill the room with. He got them toys and games at first, which Gordon was eternally grateful for. Gordon still kept reading to Benrey, but they also had some other things to entertain themselves with. Tommy brought Gordon a bookshelf and age appropriate books to actually keep. He even eventually brought the boys a TV and video games, which Benrey was absolutely enamoured with almost instantly.

Another thing that changed was Benrey was no longer kept chained to the wall. He still had the collar on but was allowed to move around the room freely. This meant the boys could properly play together with their toys and games. Playing pretend might have been more fun though if Benrey could still shapeshift, but the collar seemed to prevent that.

They of course tried to get the collar off, using any item that Tommy gave them to try and leverage it open. Gordon knew there was security cameras watching them all over the room, but the scientists apparently didn’t care to try and stop them. Probably because it was hopeless, nothing made the collar’s lock budge at all, so eventually they gave up.

They also had two beds in the room now, so they no longer had to share, but sometimes still did, especially if Benrey’s nightmares got bad.

“gordon…” he might hear croaked out from the other bed in the middle of the night, or ‘lights out time’.

“Benrey?” Gordon responded as he climbed out of bed. He had started calling Benrey by his full name more as they got older, especially because that’s what all the scientists referred to him as.

Gordon quickly made his way across the cold floor and climbed up onto Benrey’s bed, kneeling on the hard mattress to look down at Benrey’s form. “Bad dream again?” Gordon asked softly.

Gordon could see a pair of glowing yellow eyes peering up at him, and they moved in the darkness, indicating Benrey was nodding. He also heard Benrey sniffle quietly. Gordon moved to wiggle under the covers, pressing himself up against the creature in a reassuring hug.

“It’s okay Benrey, it’s just a dream and I’m here,” Gordon assured with as much certainty as he could muster into his voice. Benrey simply sighed in relief, pressing his cold body up against Gordon’s.

-

Gordon took his studies seriously, he enjoyed and was good at them. Benrey seemed to be a lot less of a fan of his own education and training… and the tests. Often when Benrey was returned to the room he would fall into Gordon’s arms and then cry in Gordon’s lap on the bed while Gordon soothingly stroked his hair or started reading to him to calm him down. Gordon still didn’t know exactly what was being done to Benrey, as Benrey would never explain or talk about it at all, but he knew it was bad.

As Gordon grew up and continued with his education, he started to understand better just how fucked up his situation was. He was kidnapped as a young child and kept captive most of his life to be used as a bargaining chip for compliance from a super powerful being. Gordon didn’t blame Benrey for his situation, it wasn’t the creature’s fault, he had only been a kid as well and hadn’t know the consequences his actions would bring. And if he had never visited Gordon, he would be living through this hell alone instead.

What he started to somewhat blame Benrey for is when the scientists hurt Gordon if Benrey wasn’t complying. This started to happen more as they had entered their teenage years, with Benrey being moody and defiant. Gordon started gathering a collection of scars across his body, and there were many times when he begged Benrey not to disobey again.

“Please Benrey, you know what happens when you don’t do what they say!” Gordon pleaded as he nursed a gash on his arm that he had just been given in front of Benrey.

Benrey was seated on his bed, facing towards the wall. He muttered something inaudible, avoiding acknowledging Gordon.

“Do you still even care if they hurt me?” Gordon asked sullenly, scowling.

“they hurt me too you know…” Benrey said quietly, still avoiding looking at Gordon.

“What?” Gordon asked with confusion. “But I thought you couldn’t feel pain?”

“they make me make a choice,” Benrey said slightly louder, burying his face in his hands now. “either i let myself feel the pain and they hurt me, or they hurt you. i usually chose to protect you… but sometimes it’s so hard. do you know what it’s feels like to have your arm slowly cut into down to the bone?”

Gordon was lost for words. Benrey had never told him what the scientists did to him before, he hadn’t realised how bad it really was. Gordon grimaced, and then went over and sat down on the bed next to Benrey.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise,” he said sadly. Nothing the scientists had ever done to him was as bad as the single thing Benrey had just said, and there was probably much more Gordon didn’t know about.

“i tried to protect you from knowing… you don’t need to know about it,” Benrey said sadly, turning to lean on Gordon’s shoulder. “i won’t disobey next time, i promise.”

They sat in sullen silence for a while. There was nothing they could do, either one of them suffered or the other.

-

Gordon developed an affinity towards the subject of science, even if it was slightly tarnished by being the reason behind his personal hell. He wished he could have lived a normal childhood and developed a passion for it during normal schooling, and then go to university to study it, but that couldn’t be.

Despite the fact that the threat of hurting Gordon was not working as well for forcing Benrey to do things (because Gordon had discussed it with Benrey, consenting to being hurt if what the scientists were asking Benrey to do was too horrible) they still didn’t want to let him go. They probably never would, considering what they had done to him was way outside of normal ethics, and they could never let it get out.

Gordon finished his education at 18, Dr Coomer no longer visiting him to tutor him. But another blessing came from Tommy instead. Tommy requested that Gordon work as his lab assistant. Gordon jumped at the chance, anything to get him out of that room, which was probably Tommy’s goal. For some reason Tommy was trying to improve Gordon and Benrey’s lives as much as he could, and for some reason he seemed to have a lot of sway in the organisation.

This job turned into more than just an escape for Gordon though, he actually found fulfillment in it. While xenobiology and gene technology wasn’t his foremost area of interest, which would be theoretical physics, it was still very interesting, nonetheless. He learned a lot while working with Tommy, and it was great to get to interact with other human beings more, even if he was disgusted in the other scientists for working for such a facility, and was suspicious of all of them for potentially being the ones who were involved in the experiments on Benrey.

Gordon learned about Benrey’s creation, from human and alien DNA. He learned about how Black Mesa had been attempting fruitlessly to completely replicate Benrey, a pursuit which they had mostly given up on. They were now focused on trying to transfer any one of Benrey’s powers to another living being through genetic engineering. Invincibility, flying, teleportation, moving through walls, shapeshifting, any one of those things would be invaluable for use in enhancing human soldiers.

Tommy’s team were experimenting with dog embryos, trying to isolate parts of Benrey’s genetic sequence that might code for his special abilities, and implant them. So far, all the foetuses had self-aborted except for one, which they carefully cared for as they set up for the next lot.

One day at the end of their shift Tommy pulled Gordon aside to speak to him.

“Hey Gordon, you know- you know that I can’t ex-exactly get you out of this place, even if- even if I want to,” Tommy began remorsefully. Gordon nodded, understanding that Tommy had only so much power over the situation. “But I was won-wondering if maybe you’d be- you’d be interested in having your own room?”

Gordon was surprised at the proposal, as he had never really thought about it. He knew his whole purpose of being here was about Benrey, his whole life basically revolved around the alien hybrid.

“I… I don’t know Tommy,” Gordon said, swallowing hard as he tried to push his thoughts out. “I mean, I think I would like that but… I’m not sure how Benrey would take it.”

“I und-understand, but you wouldn’t be- wouldn’t be too far away. He’d still see you every-everyday,” Tommy explained.

“I’ll… I’ll think about it, and try to talk to him about it,” Gordon said quietly. Tommy smiled gently at him, patting him on the shoulder before walking away.

After learning more about Benrey, Gordon had developed a better understanding of how dangerous he was, even in his restrained state. Benrey had freakish superhuman strength and had always been able to easily overpower Gordon when they had wrestled in their room when they were younger. Gordon was worried about Benrey lashing out at him if he didn’t take the proposal well.

After living with the creature for more than ten years, it was only now that Gordon had started developing a bit of a fear of him. But surely Benrey wouldn’t hurt Gordon, he had gone through so much pain just to protect Gordon from getting hurt.

Benrey, as expected, didn’t take the news well.

“you’re going to leave me?!” Benrey screamed hoarsely, glaring at Gordon with piercing yellow eyes. Gordon raised his hands in surrender.

“Not exactly Benrey, I will just be in another room close by, I can still come and see you every day,” Gordon tried to placate, a nervous response tingling up his spine.

“you already leave me every day to go work with tommy, isn’t that enough?” Benrey fumed, his upper lip rising to show his sharp teeth a bit.

“Benrey, I think Tommy has suggested this because we are adults now, so we should start to develop some independence, like normal humans do,” Gordon tried to explain, but after the words left his mouth he heard Benrey growl.

“must be nice, being a normal human,” the alien hybrid scoffed with a frown.

“I’m sorry Benrey, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Gordon quickly apologised, backing up slightly from the bristling alien being.

“you can’t leave, you’re mine!” Benrey growled, and then stalked across the room towards Gordon. Though Gordon had grown much taller than Benrey, he still felt intimidated by the small creature, knowing the strength he was capable of. Gordon backed up until his heel hit the door, his body shaking slightly.

“Benrey, this isn’t fair,” Gordon said slowly as Benrey thrust his face up into Gordon’s personal space. “You’re being selfish right now.”

Benrey froze, his face set in a scowl, before withdrawing from Gordon a bit, looking away.

“you can’t leave me gordon, you’re all i have,” Benrey said quietly now, staring at the floor.

“Benrey,” Gordon said softly, “you will have to learn to live without me someday you know.” Benrey looked back up at Gordon with confusion. “I’m only human, you might be immortal. One day I will be gone, it’s important that you are able to take care of yourself then.”

Benrey’s jaw started to wobble, and then tears started to well in his yellow eyes. In a moment he was suddenly sobbing, tears rolling down his grey cheeks. Gordon quickly reached out and pulled Benrey against his chest, holding him tightly. Benrey wept into Gordon’s shirt, forming a wet patch on the fabric.

-

The move went ahead, despite Benrey’s vehement protests. The scientists also seemed to have given up on using threats to Gordon to motivate Benrey, as they hadn’t hurt Gordon in quite some time. Not that it meant Gordon’s pain was over, as now he had to deal with the PTSD of the years of child abuse, just like Benrey. The nightmares made him miss sharing a bed with Benrey a bit. He also struggled to sleep at first, being so used to sleeping with another person at least nearby, if not huddled against him.

Of course, once given his new freedom from Benrey’s room, Gordon immediately risked everything by trying to escape from the facility. It was fruitless though, the place was so huge and there were so many security checkpoints and guards everywhere, he had no hope of getting out. He was confined to his room for several days as punishment for his attempt. Though he may no longer be useful in persuading Benrey to obey, they didn’t want to give Benrey any reason to try and escape again.

Once Gordon was allowed back to work, he found that Tommy’s puppy was alive and moving. They were carefully monitoring her for any signs of Benrey’s powers, to see if the experiment had been successful. They didn’t have to wait long, as at a few days old, ‘Sunkist’, named for Tommy’s love of soda, barked out orbs of sweet voice. It may have been Benrey’s most useless power, but it was one of his powers, nonetheless. Perhaps she would show more as she grew.

Gordon wondered what Benrey must have been like as a baby. A shape shifting, teleporting, flying baby that can go through walls was a terrifying prospect for anyone. Nightmare baby.

After several more years of working with Tommy, while studying every theoretical physics book he could get his hands on, Tommy pulled some strings so Gordon would be moved to the department that was studying portal technology. This was incredibly exciting to Gordon, as he would finally get to work in his area of interest. Not that making a flying, invincible, immortal dog that could go through walls wasn’t fun. It had seemed Sunkist had also been a fluke though, as they hadn’t been successful with any of the other embryos and they also found they couldn’t clone her.

With being allowed to work in his area of passion, living in his own space with his own things, and no longer being tortured, Gordon could almost be content with his captive life. However, while this happened, he and Benrey began to drift apart, no longer spending heaps of time together every day. Hanging out with Benrey was kind of sad, the alien hybrid still suffering at the hands of scientists was often depressed or angry. Gordon was also a little afraid of Benrey, who sometimes lashed out at Gordon in frustration.

Gordon withdrawing from Benrey only seemed to make the monster more frustrated, leading to more arguments between them when Gordon did visit. This only served to drive Gordon away even more. It was easier to avoid Benrey than try to deal with his issues. Gordon did feel a bit guilty about this though, but he didn’t know how to fix it.

-

The guards had come to escort Gordon away in the middle of his work. He had no idea where they were taking him or why, they refused to answer his questions, but he knew better now than to fight against it. He was led through the winding corridors of the facility, his mind still on the project he was undertaking. Gordon hoped whatever this was would be quick so he could get back to work.

Gordon was led into a room with a chair in the middle that was like a dentist chair. The scientist in charge of testing on Benrey, the same one who had kidnapped Gordon as a child, was standing in the room as well. Gordon had learned his name was Dr White, and Gordon hated him with his whole being. Seeing him standing in the room, Gordon scowled, while Dr White gave him and insincere smile.

“Please Mr Freeman, take a seat,” the scientist said, gesturing to the chair. Gordon hesitated for a moment, and one of the guards elbowed him slightly, so he sighed and complied with the order, getting into the chair.

“Time for a check-up doc?” Gordon joked weakly, to try and break the tension he felt building.

“You’ve been a great employee lately Mr Freeman,” Dr White said with a satisfied smile as he approached the chair with a large needle on a syringe held between his fingers. “So, we are going to reward you, by taking away all your pain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Dr Coomer is probably just a clone.
> 
> They are reading How to Train Your Dragon cause that was my favourite book as a kid.


	3. Rebeginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon loses all his pain. Gordon loses everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lil mini chapter here for ya

As he came to, the first thing he noticed was a pounding pain in his head. Blinking open his eyes, his vision was very blurred, he could just see shapes and colours moving over him. He groaned and reached up to clutch at his temple.

“You’re awake!” someone exclaimed, but it sounded slightly muffled as if he was struggling to hear it over the pounding in his head. He tried to sit up but felt dizzy. Then he felt someone gently grab his hand and pull it away from his face, and then put something over his eyes.

With the glasses on he could now see the world around him a lot clearer, though it was still hard to focus. Several concerned faces of people in lab coats hung over him. He coughed, winced, and blinked rapidly.

“Where… am I?” he asked in a croaky voice, mind racing. “Wait… who… am I? What?” he asked in complete confusion.

“Oh no, this looks worse than we thought,” one of the people said, a pale man with glasses.

“Gordon, what do you remember?” someone else asked, apparently directed at him.

“Huh? Is that… my name?” he asked softly, searching his brain to try and remember.

“Do you remember anything?” the first man asked again, looking down at him with concern.

Gordon shook his head, then closed his eyes because he felt dizzy. “What happened?” he croaked.

“There was a horrible accident with an experiment, and you took an awful hit to the head,” the second man said, who looked a bit younger than the first.

“I… did?” Gordon said, unable to conjure any memories beyond the past few minutes. His mind was completely blank, apart from the pounding. He reached up to touch a tender spot on his temple again.

“Your name is Gordon Freeman. You are a physicist working at a corporation called Black Mesa, researching portal technology. Ring any bells?” the glasses man asked.

Gordon shook his head again, though gently this time to try and not make himself dizzy again. “I don’t remember anything at all.”

-

Gordon Freeman was a physicist working for a corporation called Black Mesa, living in their research facility as his team worked on developing portal technology. A year ago, there had been a terrible work accident and Gordon had taken such severe trauma to the head that all memories of his life had been erased. He was lucky that no other cognitive impairment had occurred apart from the amnesia. He could still remember and understand everything he had learned about physics, and how to function as a human being, just could not access any of his personal memories.

He had been reliant on his co-workers to fill him in on his life. Apparently, his parents had died when he was in college, and he had no siblings or much other family to speak of. He had a PhD in theoretical physics from MIT and had travelled to Europe to study their progress on portal technology before coming to work for Black Mesa.

There was one thing that bothered Gordon a lot though, that hadn’t been explained to him and that he felt awkward about asking. It had quickly come to his attention that his body was covered in scars, and he couldn’t for the life of him figure out why. Self-harm? Was he depressed before? But many were in places that he couldn’t easily reach, and most people wouldn’t cut. It was a mystery to him that sat heavy in his mind.

After a recovery period they had deemed Gordon well enough to go back to work, and he did so because he didn’t know what else to do. Might as well continue on with what he had been working on, perhaps it would spark his memory one day. But it never had. Still, he enjoyed this work, and living in the research facility was fine, made it more convenient to get to work each day.

Except today, when he had slept through his alarm somehow. He was late, and today was a big day. Black Mesa had managed to procure one of the largest and most pure Xen crystals they had ever seen. Xen being a place between worlds that they had sometimes managed to access through their developing portal technology. Today they were going to be testing the crystal, in fact Gordon was going to be doing so personally. What a bad time to be late!

Gordon was making his way through the corridors to the locker rooms to get into the hazard suit before heading off to the testing chamber. However, he heard footsteps behind him, and someone called out hello. Gordon turned to look at the man behind him, who looked to be in his late 30’s with short dark hair.

“My name’s Tommy!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the rest is history.
> 
> Jk, I already wrote some more.


	4. Forget Me Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey plays a prank on Gordon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lil Benny chapter for ya

It had hurt Benrey so badly when his only real friend came to see him less and less. It hurt even more when he stopped coming to see him altogether. How could Gordon just abandon him like this? Benrey knew Gordon hadn’t escaped, because he could still see his light in the facility, but Benrey couldn’t get to him, and Gordon had stopped coming anywhere near the section of the facility Benrey was kept in.

Benrey asked the scientists why Gordon wasn’t coming to see him anymore. They told him Gordon didn’t care for him anymore, didn’t like him anymore, probably because he was too dumb. They told him maybe if he took his training and studies more seriously, then maybe Gordon would like him and come back.

Benrey wasn’t sure if he should believe them, but he couldn’t think of any other reason why Gordon no longer visited him. He wanted to confront Gordon so badly, just to ask why. How could he do this to Benrey? It wasn’t fair. Stupid Gordon, he had turned into just another horrible scientist like the rest of them.

“tommy… i want to talk to gordon.” It had been a while since Tommy last visited Benrey, and Benrey could see the pity and guilt in his eyes.

“Benrey, you can’t,” Tommy sighed, looking away.

“tommy please. bring me something i can kill myself with. i’ll find him, talk to him, then come back, i promise,” Benrey pleaded. Security around him had gotten laxer over the years, especially as they now rarely did much testing on him, having moved onto perhaps more important things. Now was the perfect time for Tommy to help him, he would be unlikely to get caught if they were careful.

Tommy looked very conflicted, as if this wasn’t the first time he had considered doing such for Benrey. He looked at Benrey out of the corner of his eye, and then made a nearly imperceptible nod.

“You know I can’t do that Benrey. It’s probably best if you- if you forget about Gordon, if it hurts too much,” Tommy said as he rose to his feet to leave. “S-sorry.”

It was months later before Tommy came through. He visited Benrey for a while, they talked, and when he went to leave, he hugged Benrey and squeezed something into his hand which was sharp against his skin. Benrey didn’t acknowledge it, quickly but subtly hiding it away somewhere. Benrey waited another few weeks before going through with it, as to stop suspicion on Tommy for helping him.

The pain of cutting his throat was nothing compared to many agonies he had endured, and it was over quickly.

-

Rebuilding his body was a process that took several hours. He could form the skeleton quickly and easily, but then needed a break before doing the flesh, which was more complicated. Benrey stayed within the walls while he waited, and once he could move, he had quickly located Gordon and was watching him through the walls. Gordon was completely out of it in bed, despite the morning marching onward and his alarm clock blaring.

Once Gordon finally awoke Benrey had finished forming his body again. He followed Gordon’s path as he hurried through the facility and watched him interact with Tommy. Benrey wanted to interact with Gordon too, but he was thinking about how to go about it. He felt like Gordon deserved to be punished for what he did to Benrey. Benrey decided he would prank Gordon to get back at him a bit, he deserved that much at least.

Benrey shapeshifted into the form of a guard and entered an empty hallway that would be in Gordon’s path. He started walking down it, trying to find a spot where a guard might be posted. Rounding a corner, he came upon another guard who was standing near a security door. Benrey tried to keep his cool as he approached the other guard. After a quick glance around, he decided to take up post near another wall and try to blend in.

“Hey, nobody told me we were doubling security today. Is it because of the big test?” the other guard asked Benrey, looking him up and down with confusion.

“uh yup,” was all Benrey managed to get out in his rush to form an answer while seeming casual about it. He needed to try and blend in and not arouse suspicion for his prank to work.

After a moment of silence, the other guard asked another question. “Hey, are you new here? Don’t think I’ve seen you around before.”

“whuh? oh, yeah, i just started uh… yesterday.” Benrey mumbled out an answer quickly. He turned his head slightly to look at the other guard, reading his name tag.

“Oh, well, it’s always nice to have some fresh faces on board. Did you get the memo to bring your passport with you today?” ‘Jefferem’ was certainly chatty and was asking a lot of questions.

“of course i did, did you?” Benrey deflected hastily, before the other guard could ask to see his.

“Hah, yeah, got mine,” Jefferem confirmed jovially, but was still looking at Benrey slightly suspiciously.

Benrey suddenly became more alert when Gordon started coming down the corridor, dressed in a bright orange hazard suit. Benrey quickly thought about what he could stop him to talk to him about, and then thought of the passport situation the other guard had just mentioned. Gordon said hello to Benrey and to other guard as he approached the door.

“hey,” Benrey called out after Gordon, coming up behind him.

“Huh?” Gordon said, spinning around to face Benrey. “What’s wrong sir?”

“can i see your passport?” Benrey asked, hiding the smugness he felt when he spoke.

“My passport?” Gordon said in confusion.

Benrey revelled in the fact that as the interaction dragged on Gordon was getting more and more frustrated. Benrey was in the right about it anyway, stupid Gordon Freeman forgetting to bring his passport to work. But Benrey was also a bit confused. Couldn’t Gordon recognise his voice? He might be keeping it a bit more monotone that usual to help with the prank, but surely Gordon should have picked up on that by now?

Was Gordon reverse pranking Benrey by pretending he didn’t know who he was? Benrey didn’t like that idea much. He decided he would follow Gordon to see how long the other either took to realise it was Benrey or kept up the act if he had already realised.

Once they reached the testing chamber it became clearer that Gordon probably didn’t realise it was Benrey. He kept on going on about how Benrey was going to die if he came into the testing chamber. Surely Gordon knew that Benrey could just not die if he wanted to, or if he did, he could just respawn. Why was Gordon being so dramatic about this?

After the whole thing seemed to blow the fuck up, Gordon had luckily been kept alive by his hazard suit, so Benrey could keep harassing him. Benrey proceeded to do so, talking to Gordon every chance he got, wondering when Gordon would finally recognise his voice and mannerisms.

But then Gordon asked for his name, and Benrey told him, and Gordon showed no recognition to the name whatsoever. Benrey was stunned. What the heck was going on with Gordon? Had he spent so long away from Benrey that he had forgotten who he was? Or was he playing the real long and dumb game with the reverse prank?

Either option hurt Benrey. He felt angrier now than ever at Gordon. He wanted Gordon to suffer like he had suffered without him for the past year.

The plan fell into place as they continued along. Let the military guys rough Gordon up, that would teach him to forget his best friend. Benrey was so furious that for a moment he didn’t even care if they killed Gordon.

But once they began dragging Gordon’s unconscious body away, battered and bloody and missing an arm, Benrey suddenly realised that he didn’t want Gordon to die. He raced after them and took the soldiers out, treated Gordon’s wound and put him in a safe place. He didn’t want to have to deal with Gordon when he woke up, so he left him alone.

-

The incident with Gordon and the soldiers had reminded Benrey how much he cared about Gordon. He felt really guilty about leading Gordon into the trap which had lost him a limb. He wanted to stay near Gordon and help him on his journey, so he tried to join back up with the team as if nothing had happened. But Gordon wasn’t about to let Benrey off the hook so easily, he was clearly very angry and frustrated with Benrey. Benrey tried to tell him to calm down, but Gordon didn’t seem to want to.

Benrey doubted Gordon would be keeping up a prank for this long, so he must really not remember Benrey at all, must really not know who he was. Where human memories really that short? That didn’t seem right. Benrey would need to stick by Gordon and try to get him to remember.

Benrey tried to cheer Gordon up with jokes so that maybe Gordon would forgive him. He even tried to mention to Gordon about how they had been best friends, but Gordon didn’t believe him. Gordon stayed mad at him, treating Benrey as if he was his enemy. Benrey hated that, but nothing he did or said seemed to change Gordon’s mind.

They seemed to be approaching the climax of their journey when they were transported to Xen. Xen made Benrey feel strange. There was lots of energy there, made him want to expand, so he made himself bigger. He tried talking to Gordon, but Gordon seemed very scared. He tried to explain to Gordon about how they had used to play together, but Gordon apparently didn’t remember.

Benrey came to the conclusion that Gordon wanted Benrey to be the bad guy. So Benrey decided to go along with it. Of course, he wasn’t actually going to try and hurt Gordon, but he could act the part if that’s what Gordon wanted. Maybe after they fought Gordon would remember. They had fought a lot in the time before Gordon stopped coming to see Benrey, maybe it would feel familiar.

Benrey could play at being defeated, it’s not like respawning was difficult. He had set Gordon as his respawn point during their journey through the facility so if he died, which he had a few times, he could find the group easily again. Benrey was surprised to respawn outside of the facility. His skeleton formed in the parking lot of a restaurant… or was it an entertainment centre?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I reuse scenes and ideas from my other fic? Of course; I'm lazy
> 
> Another short chapter because I didn't want to waste time rehashing what we all already know.


	5. Homeless and Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey confronts Gordon after the birthday party.

Gordon stepped out the door of the Chuck-E-Cheese and looked down with an unfocused gaze at the person standing before him, blocking his way. They had black messy hair and pale skin with blue eyes. They were wearing light cotton clothing. Gordon blinked passively at them.

“What?” Gordon humourlessly asked the guy grinning up at him.

“do you ‘member me now feetman?” the guy asked smugly.

Gordon placed a hand on the side of Benrey’s head and proceeded to shove the other sideways out of the way. Benrey yelped slightly as he stumbled off to the side, trying to catch his balance so he didn’t fall over. Gordon walked straight past as Benrey righted himself.

“hey, that’s a shitty way to treat your best friend!” Benrey exclaimed, walking after Gordon.

Gordon spun around and glared at Benrey. “We are not friends! How many times do I have to tell you this! Leave me alone!” Gordon snarled.

Benrey’s mouth turned down into a frown as he stopped in his tracks. “but we were, you just don’t ‘member,” he huffed dejectedly.

Gordon stared in surprise for a moment. “Wait… do you mean… before the accident?” he asked, the sincerity in Benrey’s tone having brought him suddenly to a realisation.

Benrey cocked his head slightly. “whuh? what accident? you mean when we were in the test chamber together and it blew up?”

“No, I mean the accident a year ago, when I lost my memory,” Gordon explained.

Now Benrey looked surprised, sucking in a big breath between his teeth. “oh. that’s why you don’t ‘member me,” he said with a hint of sorrow.

Gordon hesitated, looking around the parking lot. “You knew me before a year ago Benrey?” he asked uncertainly.

Benrey nodded.

“You lived in Black Mesa?” Gordon followed up.

Benrey nodded again.

Gordon sighed, and looked around himself. “Do you want to come with me? To talk?”

Benrey nodded eagerly and quickened his pace to walk beside Gordon as they went down the street.

Gordon held up a card to show Benrey as they walked. “Tommy’s dad gave me a credit card to go get a hotel room. Let’s look for one around. I can’t wait to get out of this suit,” Gordon felt the jumpsuit under the hazard suit was clinging to his body with layers of sweat from his physical exertion over the past few days.

They wandered through the streets of the city together. Gordon had no idea what city this even was, or where they were at all. It was evening now, and the few people who were out and about certainly were giving his attire funny looks. Gordon didn’t have enough energy to bring himself to care though.

They found a taxi rank before any hotels, and Gordon decided to grab a cab as the driver would certainly know where to find one. They rode in silence, Gordon feeling too exhausted to talk. The cab had been a good idea, as it quickly got them to a hotel with vacancies. The reception staff also gave Gordon’s hazard suit a weird look but allowed him to book a room anyway. One asked him if it was a costume, which caused him to chuckle slightly.

Once in their room, Gordon turned to Benrey. “Can you help me get out of this?” he asked the other. He knew he couldn’t get the armour off himself; it was supposed to be removed at a special station but there were manual releases for emergency times like this, but he would need help to unlock them properly.

Benrey nodded as if it was no big deal. Together they figured out the various buttons and clasps for releasing different parts of the armour, the pieces of which Gordon just kicked to one side. Taking off his right glove Gordon was surprised to discover a mechanical, prosthetic hand underneath.

Eventually he ended up in just the jumpsuit. He tried to reach behind himself to grab the zipper but was having difficulty.

“here i’ll get it,” Benrey offered, easily pulling the zipper open and halfway down Gordon’s back.

“Thanks,” Gordon said without much emotion, and then trudged off to the bathroom without another word. Inside he stripped the suit off, removed the prosthetic and hopped into the shower. Relief washed over him as he washed off the days of built up sweat, and finally got to wash his greasy hair.

He had no other clothes, so he had to come out of the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist. He felt uncomfortable with being half exposed to Benrey, and the guy seemed to pick up on his embarrassment.

“don’t worry, i’ve seen it all before,” Benrey said dismissively, before turning back to the TV where he was playing around with the channels while sitting on the bed.

“You have?” Gordon said in surprise, not sure how to feel about that, if what Benrey had been saying was true. He sat down on the side of the bed and picked up the room service menu, so he didn’t have to look at Benrey.

“So, how did you know me before Benrey?” Gordon asked cautiously, glancing over the options before him but not really taking them in properly.

Benrey huffed but didn’t turn towards Gordon, instead still facing the screen. “we only lived together in black mesa for like, 20 years, but nbd though,” he said flippantly.

Gordon’s eyes went wide and unfocused for a moment, and he blinked in disbelief. “Very funny Benrey, but I’m a bit sick of your jokes at the moment,” Gordon said in frustration, setting his mouth into a hard line.

“’s not a joke,” Benrey said flatly. “you just won’t believe anythin’ i say. not my fault if you can’t handle the truth.”

“Come on now Benrey, you really expect me to believe something as ridiculous as that? I had a whole life before, I went to college and got a PhD, I went to Europe,” Gordon explained with exasperation.

“wow, you did all that when i had my back turned one day?” Benrey scoffed sarcastically.

Gordon fell silent for a moment, thinking. “You’re… not joking…?” He looked at Benrey out of the corner of his eye.

Benrey shook his head. “i been tryin’ to tell you, that we were best friends,” Benrey stated. “you were all i had, and then one day you didn’t come to see me anymore. i was sad, i thought you had abandoned me on purpose.”

Gordon pondered things again for a few moments. “Benrey… what are you?” he finally asked.

Benrey shrugged. “iunno, you’re the smart science man, you tell me.”

Gordon rolled his eyes slightly. “Well, some sort of alien from Xen I would guess, given what I have seen. Did the scientists take you from there?”

“i’ve always been at black mesa, i think. i think you once said somethin’ about them makin’ me, but i don’t understand your big science stuff,” Benrey explained with a dismissive shrug.

“Okay, let’s assume for a moment that what you are saying is true and I lived with you in Black Mesa since I was… seven-ish? Why? Did they make me too?” Gordon said, his voice rising in register slightly in sudden distress at the concept.

Benrey barked out a laugh. “nah man, you’re a normal borin’ vanilla human feetman, as far as i know,” he reassured.

“Then what were they using me… a child for?” Gordon asked, still equally horrified by the possibilities that were coming to mind. Then he remembered the scars all over his body as he was looking down at his chest. “Testing something?” How unethical was Black Mesa really? Experimenting on children?

“no, they tested me, not you. they just kept you there so i wouldn’t try to escape,” Benrey had turned and was now facing Gordon, also looking at his scarred chest. “they would hurt you if i didn’t do what they said.”

Gordon felt panic gripping his already fragile mind. As absurd as it was, it sounded like Benrey was telling the truth. What did he have to gain from lying to Gordon anyway? Unless he was trying to take advantage of Gordon’s amnesia to plant false memories of a relationship between them. It had been clear enough to Gordon during his time escaping Black Mesa with the science team that Benrey fancied him in some capacity. The guy had tried to kiss Gordon on numerous occasions after all. Unless that was all just a prank. Gordon didn’t know what to think or believe. He couldn’t help but be suspicious of Benrey’s intentions, especially after the hand incident.

“Okay,” Gordon said warily. “I’m going to… um… call room service.” He picked up the provided phone. He ordered some food and drinks, and also asked them for a special request. He felt a bit awkward about it, but he asked them if they could get him some clothes and charge it to his card, telling them his probable size and saying it was because he had ruined his own clothes and didn’t have any spare. Despite the staff being confused they said they would see what they could do.

Gordon tried to relax his body as he waited quite a while for room service, but he just felt so tense. Benrey seemed engaged enough with whatever he was watching on the TV. When there was a knock at the door Gordon asked Benrey to answer it, not wanting to show off his scarred chest to anyone else.

Benrey came back from the door holding the food containers and with some clothing draped over one arm. He placed the food on the bed and threw the clothes at Gordon, who scurried off to the bathroom to put them on. They were a little big on him, but it would work okay, it was better than nothing or putting the sweaty jumpsuit back on.

Gordon went back to the bed and ate the food with Benrey. Gordon was starving, he hadn’t eaten anything at Tommy’s birthday party as he had been in too much of a bad mood and feeling a bit sick. But now not having eaten properly for several days of full body exertion was catching up to him. Benrey was eating enthusiastically too, perhaps respawning took a lot of energy.

They ate in silence while watching the TV. Afterwards Gordon threw the plastic containers away and lay down on the bed, sinking into it as he watched whatever show was playing. Benrey did the same, seemingly copying Gordon’s actions. Gordon was still angry at Benrey, though their little talk had taken the wind out of his sails a bit in terms of his fury. He didn’t know why he was letting the creature stay in the hotel room, though at the moment Gordon was too tired to even care. He passed out before he could even get under the covers.

-

Gordon was strapped into a chair, unable to move. Figures in white coats moved around him in a blur; perhaps he didn’t have his glasses on so he couldn’t see them clearly, but every now and then things would come into sharp focus for a second before blurring again.

He felt pain biting into his right arm. Looking down he could see a flash of red forming on the skin of his forearm. Gordon tried to cry out, but no sound escaped his lips. They kept cutting deeper into his arm, in a moment of clear vision he could see the plastic gloved hand pressing the scalpel deep into his flesh.

Gordon looked away and then in another moment of clarity saw there was someone else in the room apart from all the adults in white coats. Someone smaller, with dark hair, grey skin, and bright yellow eyes. They looked at him with anguish painting their features. Their mouth was moving, like they were yelling something, sharp teeth flashing in the fluorescent light, but Gordon could hear nothing but a loud ringing in his head.

When his vision blurred again Gordon squeezed his eyes shut, biting down on his lip as the pain seared through his arm. He fervently prayed for it to stop. Then he found he couldn’t open his eyes; he was drowning in blackness.

Gordon awoke with a small start, his breath catching in his throat. His glasses were still sitting on his face, as he hadn’t removed them before dozing off the night before, so though askew they still let him perceive the world around him quite clearly.

But though he was coming out of the dream he could still feel the biting pain in his right arm. He grimaced and reached over to hold it with his other hand, which clasped around flesh and metal, and brushed up against something pressed against Gordon’s arm.

Gordon blinked and looked down at his arm. It took him a moment to process the robotic prosthetic. The pain was right where the flesh part of his arm ended in synthetic fibre that allowed his nerves to interact with the prosthetic. Perhaps it had been a bad idea to sleep with the hand still attached, maybe it enhanced phantom pains.

Gordon also couldn’t help but notice the thing that was pressed up against his arm; a sleeping Benrey. Messy dark hair brushed against Gordon’s skin and dark lashes lay against pale cheeks.

Gordon had noticed when Benrey had respawned that he didn’t look much like he had back in Black Mesa, when he had been pretending to be a guard. That was likely just a human costume to him, though maybe this was too. This version had a fuller, rounder face, and was much shorter. He had a pretty cute little nose and soft looking pale lips. His messy chin length hair looked quite soft as well.

Gordon shook himself out of his examination of Benrey. He gently pulled himself away from the other and sat up, taking off his arm and adjusting his glasses on his face. Benrey grunted and rolled until he was face down in the pillow.

Gordon called room service for breakfast and some painkillers. Gordon yawned deeply as he got to his feet and padded off to the bathroom. He had no idea how long he had slept for, but it didn’t feel long enough. By the time he had finished in the bathroom, examining the deep bags under his eyes in the mirror and trying to tame his hair for a hot minute, there was a knock at the door. Gordon answered it himself this time, and the person who had brought him the food seemed rather surprised when they noticed he only had one arm.

He had to make a few trips to bring everything into the room and place it all on the small table, as he didn’t want the other person coming inside. They asked him about checkout, and he said he wanted to book at least another night. They nodded and left.

“You want to shove more food in your mouth Benrey?” Gordon asked as he took a seat at the table and started arranging the food and drinks.

Benrey moaned and lifted his head from the bed, looking at Gordon groggily between stands of dark hair, before nodding and pushing himself up into a sitting position. Benrey stretched and then awkwardly scrambled off the tall bed, padding barefoot across the floor to join Gordon at the table.

One handed eating was actually more difficult that Gordon thought it would be, especially as he had been right dominant. He didn’t want to put the prosthetic back on at the moment though, what with the pain in his arm. He downed probably too many painkillers, but it would probably be fine, he felt he needed them. Whilst they ate, Gordon thought about what their next move should be.

“I’ve thought of an easy way to find out if you are telling the truth Benrey,” Gordon said, which caused Benrey to look up and him and raise a dark eyebrow.

“We just go to the nearest police station and ask if there had ever been a missing child case of a ‘Gordon Freeman’ in the US,” he explained simply, taking another drink.

Benrey shrugged. “i mean you could just believe me but ok. you’re gonna feel pretty stupid when you find out i’m right,” Benrey said smugly.

“Well you know, even if you are right, the police are my best way of finding out if my parents are actually still alive and where they are,” Gordon added.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look I just like robot limbs okay.


End file.
